An Open Book - from "Rachel's Tears"
by Beth Nimmo and Darrell Scott
Rachel's pursuit of God was so intense at times. In
one letter to God she wrote, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I
ever doubted you. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. You
know what you're doing and you know what's best for
me. For now on, I put all faith and trust in you."
After reading the things that Rachel wrote to the Lord
and seeing how she talked so openly to God in her
letters, I was either ashamed of myself or possibly
convicted about how shallow my spiritual life had
been.
In prayer after prayer after prayer, she would cry out
to God in her writing and ask, "God, where are you?
God, why can't I feel your presence? God, why do I
struggle?"
Some people are uncomfortable with that kind of
frankness. They say that people should have faith
instead of struggling with feelings like those. But
some of the journal entries reminded me of David's
writings in the Psalms. At times, David was so
overcome with the closeness of the presence of God
that he could barely contain himself:
"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence? (Ps. 139:7)
But at other times, David felt the absence of God so
strongly that he had to cry out:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will You hide your face from me? How long
must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have
sorrow in my heart? (Ps. 1:1-2)
David talked to God about the very issues if his
heart, and he was open and passionate with the Lord in
his writings. And that is the same kind of sense I
get when I read Rachel's journals. There is such a
passion for God, such a transparency about her doubts
and fears.
Sometimes I camouflaged my emotions with religious
words instead of being totally transparent with God
about things. But Rachel was not afraid to put on
paper the things that I would have been afraid to
vocalize.
I think her passionate intimacy with God went above
and beyond what most people ever experience in their
relationship with the Lord, but I don't think she
thought of herself as a mystic or anything unusual.
I'm not sure she understood the extent to which she
had broken through the confines that too many of us
allow to hold us back. But she was not confined. She
had entered into a deeper experience of God.
Rachel had a powerful sense of pursuing something that
she didn't know how to get a handle on, or how to
grasp, or how to understand. She was looking for
answers above and beyond the level that most teenagers
would ever pursue. I think she was trying to
understand God with an intensity that too many of us
never seem to reach.
One ting is for sure, I don't think I'm a supernatural
mother, and I don't think Darrell is a supernatural
father. I took care of most of the physical needs of
my children, I tried to help meet their emotional
needs, and I tried to impart godly principles into
their lives. I prayed with my kids, we had morning
devotions together, and I organized family meetings so
we could talk when things weren't going well.
But where would a child learn about that level or
supernatural insight? I think the only explanation is
that God led her to be that way.
Excerpts from Rachel's journals:
I stand back, God, and I watch those around me and ask
myself, What is it that they're feeling? What is it
that they're thinking? Are they seeing you? Can they
hear you? If so, why can't I? What am I doing so
wrong that I can't reach that level? Everyone looks
at me and thinks, Wow, what a together kinda girl.
She's doing good. But you know God that I'm not. Why
don't you fix that? I don't understand. This feeling
is killing me, God. Why don't you do something? I
know that you have already done so much, but why stop
there? I want to reach a new level with you God.
Take me there. Please God, take me there. I want
that so much. I want to serve you. I want to be used
by you to help others. But I feel like I can't do that
until you change this feeling I have. Come to me God,
and make use of me.
Your servant,
Rachel Joy
3/1/98
Dear God,
Sometimes when I'm craving your Spirit, nothing
happens. I stand there with my hands stretched
towards heaven, crying out your name, and nothing. Is
it because I have not been keeping my quiet times? Is
there sin in my life that is keeping me from your
salvation? What can I do? Why have I been able to
keep faith like a child until now? Why do I have to
question your existence? I don't understand. I want
to feel you in my heart, mind, soul,and life. I want
heads to turn in the halls when I walk by. I want
them to stare at me, watching and wanting the light
you have put in me. I want you to overflow my cup
with your Spirit. I want so much from you. I want
you to use me to reach the unreached. I have such a
desire and passion to serve, but I want to do that
now. I want to know and serve you now. I want heads
to turn now. I want faith like a child now. I want
to feel you in my heart, mind and soul now. I want
you im my life now. I am crying out to you Father,
asking for your Spirit now. I thank you and love you
for all the blessings in my life.
Your Child,
Rachel Joy
Father,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I'm sorry I
didn't trust you. You know what you're doing and you
know what's best for me. For now on, I put all faith
and trust in you.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Rachel Joy
To order a copy of Rachel's Tears click here to get to The Columbine Redemption web site - Rachel's father's official site.
